"Not The Mothers Day I Was Expecting It To Be" (and MckLinky Monday)

I'll be honest...this Mothers Day has been a hard one for me.  I was not prepared for it...and even though I knew it was Mothers Day, I was kinda taken off guard by it.  In fact, I cried most of the morning...and not tears of joy...

My sweet husband let me sleep in, so I awoke to some VERY happy boys who had been waiting for me all morning long!

As I walked out of my bedroom, they all chimed "Happy Mothers Time Day" in rounds (still used to saying "Happy Valen-Times Day!") and greeted me with big hugs.  My heart was overjoyed!

Then I see a HUGE box sitting on our front room "coffee table" (an old chest we keep our board games in).  Again, my heart was overjoyed to see that my boys (and Liberty!) had bought me a brand new, fancy set of cookware!!!  Pots, pans, skillets...my dream come true!!!  I have been wanting a new set for a while, but haven't said anything because I know how expensive these can be!

But my hubby (have I mentioned he's the best in the world?) had noticed (see I told you he was the best!) that I needed new cookware, so he took the initiative to buy me an entire 12 piece, commercial grade set!  Wanna know my favorite thing about this gift?  They range in size from small to HUGE (so bring on the big family, Lord!!!)

Then came the best part...the hardest part... My hubby handed me a DVD with "Happy Mothers Day 2010" written on it.  We popped it in the DVD player and it was a video card!

My hubby had taped each one of the boys telling me Happy Mothers Day, what they love about me, what they like to do with me, their favorite thing about me, etc. etc.  Trusten even sang a song he wrote for me!

I bawled...seriously, bawled.  Now, if you know me, you know I cry easily...but rarely do I full-out bawl.

As I watched the amazing video he put together (with an amazing Chopin piece as the background music) I felt so completely and utterly unworthy.  It was not a good feeling.  Then the video ended with Proverbs 31:28-31...If it hadn't been for my boys (who were so thrilled to finally show me their video card) I probably would have run out of the room crying, "no, this is too much...really TOO much."  

I wasn't being modest...nor am I trying to be now, I just honestly could not handle all that they were saying.

This morning as they showered me with love and compliments, I was so very aware of all my short-comings.  I felt like a hypocrite as I watched my children talk about how and why they love me.

"I don't deserve this love!", I thought.  "How can they love me so freely when I lose my temper so often?"  "These kids deserve a mom who doesn't put herself first and grumble when things don't go her way"  The thoughts went on and on.

As the video ended, my kids ran into the dining room for what else, but DONUTS!  (My favorite!)  I walked into the kitchen with my hubby and as he hugged me, I cried some more.  He asked about my tears...knowing they were different than tears of joy.  

I explained to him that I felt unworthy and that I just know I have SO much to work on.  He just hugged me and told me I didn't have to feel worthy of it...that they just loved me...and that none of us should ever feel worthy...but that we should always be desiring to be more than we currently are.

I said "okay", smiled and headed to the dining room, but was still in turmoil.  Eating the donuts, I thought about his words, and tried to let the Truth sink in.  But I still felt so...so...guilty.  I haven't been being the mom that my boys deserve.

So we finished breakfast, took a quick picture of Liberty and I...

(can you tell my eyes are swollen from crying?)

and headed off to church.

The minute the music began, I started feeling better.  I felt the Lord...He was comforting me and sheltering me.  I knew He wanted to speak to me.  So as I wrestled with Liberty (she was really squirmy this morning!), I waited on Him to speak.

Then we started to sing,

"You amaze me.

You amaze me

and I'm overwhelmed by your great love and mercy.

You amaze me."

And that's when I realized I am nothing without His mercy.  I need it everyday.  I may not be the mom I want to me, but I will never get there without God's mercy.

I am a work in progress.  He has began a good work in me and He will faithfully complete it, but I can't expect to just sit by and watch him complete it.  I need to be actively trying to become what He wants me to be...and NEVER settle.  And that's been the problem...I think I've been settling.  That was the guilt I felt...I think I've been giving myself a few too many pats on the back, buying the lie that I've done "good enough" for the day or the week and I don't need to strive or try any more.

And what a great lie from the enemy!  I mean, what other lie would he want me to believe, than one that can get me to stop striving and to just settle.  He doesn't want me to grow anymore.  He doesn't want my kids to be blessed anymore.  He wants all of it to stop...and, what's more, He hopes to even see me loose some ground.

So more than ever, I need the Lords great mercy!!!  I need His mercy to cover over the areas where I lack...and to help me when I've taken my eyes off of Him.

Lord, you TRULY do amaze me!

Thank you that today, when I was overwhelmed by my weaknesses and by what I don't deserve, You showed me your love and mercy.  

Thank you that you reminded me to be "overhelmed" by you...and not myself.  

I need your mercy to help me take my eyes off my victories and my defeats, my accomplishments and my guilt.  

Help me, Lord, to seek your mercies in my mothering...I need you Lord so that I never feel "worthy"...but always be striving, reaching, growing.

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After church we went out to lunch, then came home to take some more pictures...

We ended up having a WONDERFUL day!  I truly am a blessed Momma!

My favorite quote of the day was Trusten when he said,

"Momma I love you too much to love you just a little bit"

And the day's not over yet!  Once the boys wake up from naps, we're having a cookout and spending the evening outside, playing!

Editing to add: My Mothers Day just got even better!  I won a giveaway over at my friend Jill's blog!  I think I'm gonna choose the framed hymn with cross!  So excited!

This post is also linked to: Momentous Monday and Mom and Me Monday

Now it's YOUR TURN!!!  Link up YOUR Mothers Day post below...(and be sure to visit the others who linked up their posts!  It's a great way to get to know some new bloggin' friends!)